Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
