I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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