he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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