he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
