she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
