Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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