so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
