You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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