I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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