I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
