Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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