Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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