Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
