talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
