My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
