Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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