I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
