Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
