totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
