i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
