He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
