eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
