i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Semen is not good for contacts.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
