you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
