How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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