I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
