so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
