Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
