saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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