she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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