you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
