Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
