life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
