I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
