She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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