I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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