cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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