I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
