in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
