omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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