Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
