Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
