Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
