I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
