i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
