i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
