so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
