just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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