Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
