I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
