Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
