I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
