4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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