so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The dick lei will go down in squad history
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
