i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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