she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
