How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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