Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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