first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
