Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
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