bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
