i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
