My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
